sundog

Memes are contagious ideas, all competing for a share of our mind in a kind of Darwinian selection.

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July 4, 2005 6:57 AM
Happy 4th you free chickens of the heart! No pictures this morning. You can always assume for the duration of my trip to Ft. Collins that the sky is blue, it will 90 dry degrees today and there is a chance of thundershowers this afternoon.
It's the beautiful time of the morning with the cool breezes moving through the trailer and the trees. It's quiet around me. But wait, where's my wry wit this morning? I'm kind of tired of all that right now. I've looked back over my posts and saw that I have, chameleon that I am, started writing for you, started writing letters on match.com trying to fit and not scare the chicklets that might love me some day. I promised myself years ago that this little spot on the page, which I do invite you to read of course, is not for you, but for me. Personal private honesty is the hardest thing for me to do. I'm always manipulating, spinning my own experiences to fit what I think is socially acceptable. But you know, I'm just one ruffled, bedraggled, dying/living/struggling/lazy confused chicken. There is nothing special here, except that like all of you, just being alive is a gift and a wonder and makes each of us special beyond our own abilty to fuck that up.

So where I am today is pretty much where I've been for a month. Thee truck sheared the same pin - same failure - left me on the road again, and makes me question my confidence that I can live and travel this way without big money, another newer truck, etc. Do you have the voices that chew at you and make you afraid? I do, and I have pushed back against them all my life. That pushing against my own fears has cost so many great people heartache, and I apologize to all of you for that. My life is a messy business with my need to impress and be smart.

So here's what's going on for me today, and I bet you're having a good fourth or wishing your life was fun too. I'm truckless, and last night the tow truck driver from the last tow recognized me and helped me decide to take the truck to a closer garage. The other garage in Greeley just hasn't solved the pin shearing problem on the distributor.

The weather's nice, and a few things are selling on Amazon - books - which is a trickle in against a flood out (truck). I'm spending a lot of time with my brother and sister-in-law which is different for me since I've been alone for so many years (outside of work). Not used to group decisions or concerns. I'm thinking a lot about the writing I should be doing. I'm missing many people, but not curled up in a ball crying kind of missing. Yes Teresa I miss you and your letters. I hope you start writing to me again. My step daughter is doing stupid dangerous completely normal things for a 20 year old in Sochi on the black sea and she worries me. I bet that is a concern each of you who are parents understand. You get to worry about the people you love, but not actually stop them from putting themselves at risk.

The urge to move, to travel and see, is very strong in me - travel with my little world of truck and trailer, independent of the whims of mankind and expectations. But my third truck break down with the exactly the same problem has me thinking that life/the -force/god/the grand scheme/ have other plans for me right now. Of course evalyn my love I will absolutely be back in my chair on September one even if I have to fly there.
So many of you, all of you, are precious to me and I think about all of you everyday. It takes a weird sort of courage not to know what my future will be or if I'll be comfortable or not. I'm proud of myself for that. I'm writing girls on match.com despite the rejections and I'm proud of that - though I'm not proud of the damage I cause or suffer with the women I choose, have choosen in my life, however my need to touch and love and feel a woman is well beyond my feeble thinking brain to control. It is part of who I am, I know that (and so don't many of you). Do you sit around - like say today on the July 4th 2005 - and wonder what eddies and whirlwinds spin off of your choices and actions in life? Who have you loved, who have you helped, kind or mean or nothing, we still cut a wake through life.

My truck problems, my health remind me that my control is only illusionary. I will go where I will go, I will learn something and miss the things so obvious to each of you. I go willingly to the precipice -whether that is to spend my last dime trying to make it free of the conformity prison, or to some wild success as a fiction writer. But no matter where I go you should know that I love so many people, you chicklets in particular, and that is finally when all the fearful noise abates what I know if the best part of me. The best of me this July 4th is not the smart kid, the competent boy, the wit or witlessness, it is the part of me, that still after 55 years is capable of liking almost every person I meet, and loving each of you. So there it is on this day of independence, the truth of me - I exist in this maelstrom with you, apart but with you, and I thank each of you for your care, kindness, concern and love. Happy 4th of July.

July 1, 2005 1:03 PM
It's Friday, which means I was up at 5:00am getting ready for garage sales - books, books, books. Takes a lot of books to pay for a truck like mine, and you had to do a lot of bad bad things to get a truck like mine. So these are all from this morning. Butch took the pictures are we worked our highspeed way through many Friday morning garage sales. Here's a few of the snaps

There's a lot of squating and lookng askance in the bottom feeding world of garage sales. Here I'm choosing two books that will turn out to be perfectl worthless. Also I'm practicing looking askance.

Havning finished off the 7am garage sales, waiting until 7:30am for the 8:00am sales to begin, we find ourselves at a favorite coffee shop in the center of Fort Collins called Starry Night. Free Wifi, good coffee, not Star$s, and they have splenda sweetener. Suns bright, lost my sunglasses - anyone who didn't expect that doesn't know me.

Impending doom is not always obvious to me. Here I'm waiting for a PH allstar managers metting to start. No, Here I'm remembering some Macbeth. No, really Butch has taken me to a sculpture Zoo that he likes and I'm concentrating on the inverse of the look at the coffee shop, because it is two hours later and that was a 20oz cup in the last picture. I'm really thinking about how when I had the farm I could pee anywhere anytime, and how civilization comes at too high a price.

So that's Saturday bookbuying come to an end. Home to list books and Gail had gone on her own buying books for me and found about 100 USD in just three or four books. Listed all my finds on the Amazon, and took the LOOOSSSSERRRS to the garage for trade and donation. Approx $250 retail value on Amazon - figure 1/2 eventually will be acquired, meaning about $125 for the morning's work. Tomorrow more sales and another 5:00am start.

Which brings us to the truck which is currently running great, but you know who it is, trust lost is hard re-won. BUT don't worry EVALYN, I'm coming home for the September job share, even if I can't take the trailer back I'll be there. AND how big a place are you renting? Just kidding sort of.

Well, I'm off to the coffee shop and to jiffy lube. Engine got damned hot - how hot - damned hot during the breakdowns, so by by to the oil, because that's just the kind of concerned owner I am, even with a truck that has let me down. (If I'm this hard on the truck, think about the poor women who have suffered my slings and arrows of outrageous demand/jealous/ and best of all - WRATH/RETRIBUTION - oh that's good, I've got to add that to my match.com profile.

Did I mention that I caught six panfish/bass yesterday on a flyrod? No, they were diminutive in size but great of heart and fight, spunk and slime. Returned them uninjured that they may grow to over 3" some day.
That's it for right now chicks and downy chicks. More upon the morrow if not then, then surely anon.

POSTCluck.
Got winked at by a girl in Lousville Colorado - Here's her pic. Now look back in my blog for a picture of my nephew Dave - Oh my god, she's dave in drag or his sister. Which is strangely disturbing for me, because is she writes back, if we date, if we are intimate - what does that mean am I ... too horrible even for the barnyard chick to entertain. Dave, you be the judge.

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