sundog

Transitioning a bit tonight. Seems lonelier, and I find myself wanting to be busy. Last time here it took me about 6 days to get over the "what the hell am I doing here" feelings. This time I prepared to let them come. It's necessary for me to let myself feel lonely in order to get quiet enough to begin to really feel.

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December 23, 2005 7:13 PM
Quartzsite LTVA La Posa West side of the highway, Tyson Wells LTVA section.
Thanks to everyone who wrote offering their understanding and kind thoughts to me. I'm putting some of them up here along with a few pictures from today. Barsik did not show up today. I searched intensely close to the trailer, following Linda's suggestions. Nada. I then expanded the search to adjacent sections just to the west. At 10am with no results I followed the many paths west to the large Tyson's wash and went south about 2 miles looking for remains. Again no results except a terrible headache from glare. I then returned to the mid point of the wash west of thet trailer and used existing 4 wheeler tracks to go due west to the first of the mountains. I circled that mountain and bore north to the Interstate Rt 10. Crossing that I headed to lunch and a little grocery shopping. Some of the pictures from today are from the return from that trip.

After lunch I returned to a search pattern in the east, both on foot and bicycle. Again no result. Late near sunset I returned to Tyson's Well wash and turned north towards the city. Much more difficult to search because the wash is split into multiple broad washes, almost like a weaving. This area is just too large to think that I have much change of finding him this far out. But everytime I lay down it just seems like it would be easier to be walking and looking and calling. My feet are worn out and my eyes are blurry. I tried wearing my sunglasses but they degrade the detail that I need to distinguish cat from not cat. Oddly I would like to hate this place and I was hoping I would find a coyote to punish. But I can't hate this place, it is so beautiful and the gullies are so interesting. I could spend years here and not begin get a grip on the geology. It took me until today even to figure out which way the flash floods move. - finally figured out it is south to north in this area. I'm made at me and it wants to settle on the place or some defect of Barsik's personality but of course he was doing what he must, and only I had the knowledge in front of me to make the correct decision. And I did not. I'm sooooo fucking bright, but I'm lazy and limit my view to fit my existing wants and desires and beliefs. What is worse, not being able to see patterns, or not wanting to acknowledge them because they are inconvenient? Barsik staying in for 5 months was going to be incredibly inconvenient for me, and not much fun for him either I suspected. So I figured he would be all right. Wrong and preventable.

Christmas is coming, and Tom is going to open his bus cafe from 8-11am on Christmas day that homeless orphans such as I, so that we will have a little xmas camaraderie. My brother and Gail will be here Monday afternoon so I'll have company. I had the choice of going up to Las Vegas and seeing my nephews and family and celebrating Christmas with them, but I would have had to return the next day in any case. Also when making these plans I didn't want to leave Barsik alone all day.

On the left, the stack of satellite controller, satellite modem, topped with a Linksys wireless router had grown into an rats nest over the last year. So two days ago before searching the desert became my fulltime task, I tackled this one. I mounted a surge protector to the left of the bed - to the left of the red pillow in the picture above. I also routed all the wires together and used about 20 cable ties to lean up the mess and route it under the bolster. I added that foam piece to increase the width of the bed, which has been nice.

Here's the entrance to this Long Term Visitor's area. Diagonally headed directly back to those mountains is my trailer, about 3/4 of a mile away.

Old Yuma road is where my trailer is parked, about 100 feet west of the road towards those mountains. From this sign it is 8 tenths of a mile to my trailer. From this sign back to I-10 is 1/2 mile and another half to Tom's Bus Cafe. I'll take some pictures of it tomorrow so you can remember Tom and the bus.

Old Yuma road is just a dirt track and was for a long time the only connection from Quartzsite to Yuma. The area from here to those mountains has been what I have been searching. While it appears flat, it is in fact a maze of gullies. I'll get some pictures of that tomorrow as I continue to work on my search grid.

Time for a cup of tea. Watching Contact on TV (VHS) tape. Here are what a few of you wrote to me today, and thank you, it has meant a lot. I'm not going to attribute the quotes as they were meant to be private, but I think the views have value for all of us. I'm only quoting bits and pieces.

I'm sooooo sorry Alan!!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry about Barsik. I think your decision to let him roam freely was still the right one. Unless he likes to stay in, it's really unfair to require him to be inside. Cats can be really amazing about turning up even several days or weeks later. I hope he'll be drawn back to you soon!

Let me tell you about kitties. They have callings. I had my big fat huge cat, Dude for ten years. One day, I let Dude
out, like I normally do, and he never came back. After about the second year, I stopped looking for him, but I never
forgot about him. Dude came into my life unexpectedly the same way. Just showed up. And left the same way. Just
disappeared.

Barsik was your buddy for a while. Ten days, ten years. It just happens. Don't beat yourself up about it. You have to
cry some tears to say goodbye. In the law of Kitty Karma, another cat will come into your life.

I heartily hope Barsik comes home. There is every possibility that he may, cats being very resourceful, and also having a tendency to take up residence wherever they find themselves. They are much more resourceful and capable than some people, who think that an animal confined is an animal saved, would have us believe. And even if the worst happened, and I know it hurts your heart and gets all those "bad dog" feelings going, you gave him the opportunity to be a real cat - to hunt, to explore and to sleep in the sun. I don't think you did a bad or irresponsible thing. I think I would made the same decision. A thing that wants its freedom deserves to have it. The cost is whatever the cost is, and sometimes it's painful.

Years ago, before kids, we had a cat named Chocolate Soda. He was an indoor cat but decided he wanted out. Went through a screen to get out. We trapped him in an alley behind our apartment and he hissed so much, we let him win. Cats have minds of their own. . .
People own dogs, no one owns a cat.

I feel just awful for you and Barsik both. You're both so lost right now.

Sorry to hear about the cat but most likley he is somewhere that he can see you but you can not see him. Check your wheel wells and any hidding area under the home. Once spooked they ball up in a tight space and keep their eyes on the home. He hopefully will be home soon.

Night chicklets and free chickens, wounded chickens, hurting chickens and happy chickens. Merry Christmas and be thankful what we have, for each day we have the most precious thing that freedom gives to rich people in a rich country. Choice. Merry Christmas.

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