sundog

Transitioning a bit tonight. Seems lonelier, and I find myself wanting to be busy. Last time here it took me about 6 days to get over the "what the hell am I doing here" feelings. This time I prepared to let them come. It's necessary for me to let myself feel lonely in order to get quiet enough to begin to really feel.

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December 22, 2005 7:23 PM
Where is Alan today?
not in a good place.
Yesterday Barsik used my new cat door many times during the daytime, very cautious each time. Beginning at about 7pm barsik went in and out three times. I was on the phone with Linda and she suggested I lock him in for the night.

I did not. I thought about it but I weighed all the pros and cons in my head of his quality of life and having fun hunting - he gets this crazy look when it gets dark and he hears mice I guess, ground squirrels, etc. moving around. He cries to go out and the previous night was inconsolate for about 20 minutes when I blocked his exit.

So last night I did not. I let him go out at 8:30pm and that is the last time I saw him, about 23 hours ago. I've spent the night and day looking for him, talking with rangers and park people, and meeting people and giving them my number, and putting up lost cat signs at both entrances to this LTVA. I've searched the desert for the all the daylight hours except 2 hours.

So my decision has probably killed my cat, my buddy and the only one I had to talk to on this trip. There is a chance he'll show up, but I really searched by foot out to the 1/2 mile mark all the way around and farther along some of the roads. No fur, no barsik, no blood, no nothing.

Anyway, one side affect of living a life alone by choice is that any small connection is of great importance and impact. And now I let him go out and get killed. I've cleaned up his bowl and put it away. There still is a small chance he might make it back somehow, but after walking so much of the desert, I just can't see how he would not have made it back already. No pictures today chickies. Sorry

Good job alan, merry christmas barsik. I'm so sorry. your alan.

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